It's A Beautiful Life

Stress, Wine and Chocolate Cake

2008-04-04T22:08:00.000-07:00

I have just consume just over a bottle of red wine and a half a chocolate cake. I love Mona Lisa Smile. I needed motivation and, thank God, I have this movie. One day, maybe I will be able to live in an amazing city in the Northeast. I guess time will tell. I am starting to get a headache but this was a well-deserved stress release. Sometimes you just need motivation and hope. I love wine, chocolate and movies. It's my favorite :o)

Sometimes you need to cry

2008-02-15T00:15:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, it is really necessary to cry. I've been doing it for the past three hours or so. I know it is Valentine's Day (or it was, anyway). I had a wonderful one! My hubby brought me a rose (1 for our first Valentine's as a married couple), a sweet card, and a cute stuffed puppy! Lindsay and Jacob came over and we had some wine (essential!), lamb, amazing party mashed potatoes, peas au gratin, and foccacia bread. Plus, Lindsay made an amazing chocolate cake!!! They had to leave because Jacob and Brad had to go to bed, so I watched my Valentine's ritual of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and added, on top of a few more glasses of wine, The Notebook. Needless to say, this is why I've been crying. And now, while it the flat out sobbing has definitely been quieted, I can't stop. I'm about to take a bubble bath and I'm sure I will continue the crying.

First of all, I am so lucky to have the family and friends that I do. In addition to that, I've been so stressed out and I haven't dealt with it...I think it is hitting me. I started the semester freaking out because of Lindsay's open-heart surgery. I don't want to freak her out by telling her and I think I've handled it pretty well in front of her. I also know that she has to deal with her own issues and her mom's and I don't need to add mine on top of that, but the whole situation was just kind of a realization for me and I've been struggling with it. She is such an integral part of my life and I don't know what I'd do without her. Even when I was in Europe (before knowing about the tumor or anything), I was itching to call her almost every day and tell her something that happened or something that I saw. I really don't want to burden her with all of my issues about it since she is quite obviously dealing with more than her share of issues, but I really need to figure out how to cope with it myself. I don't want it to seem like this is about me, because it isn't (something some other people could benefit from figuring out). I just need to figure out how to deal with my best friend's issues without her knowing about it i suppose....

On top of that, I've been under a ton of pressure at school. I am so overwhelmed I don't even knwo where to begin. It is hard to believe at times that this is the path I chose for myself. What is wrong with me? Anyway, I'm going to go mope in the bathtub now and try to work out my emotions which are, obviously, running rampid.

Burnout

2008-02-12T22:04:00.001-08:00

I am borderlining on burnout today. Not as bad as I was last night which, I suppose, is positive. I think that the fact that I'm taking four classes as well as starting the semester out ill has really taken its toll. I am tired both physically and mentally. My mind is foggy on a regular basis. Perhaps I should get some ginkobaloba (or whatever it is) and enhance my memory. This semester seems to be flying by but I feel like I haven't done anything yet. We're supposed to be getting published but I'm not sure that anything that I will write is worthy of publication. I suppose my negative perception of my own abilities is not particularly useful in this type of situation. Oh well. It's there and I can't do much about it. I need encouragement and evaluation in a positive light.

I can't wait for this summer. I will be teaching for the first time which makes me both nervous and excited! I am looking forward to the experience. It's only for three weeks, 2 hours a day, 4 days a week. Not bad at all. Plus, I will be going to Alaska and California for the first time which is amazing. I just hope I can make it until then. *sigh* I can't wait to spend a few days lounging by the pool (probably reading, but that is ok).

Fleeting goals and relentless ambition

2008-02-11T22:11:00.000-08:00

Today...well, technically yesterday, was a pretty mediocre day in the life of me. It seems as though I am having more of those. I have such lofty goals, amibitions and desires in life I am uncertain that they are actually able to be fulfilled and, if so, to what extent. I am a very blessed person. Thus far in my life, aside from a little bit of asthma and the fact that my immune system only contracts to work four to five months out of the year, I am a healthy, happy person. Why is it that I feel such an insatiable need to accomplish so much? I thirst for knowledge but once I have the opportunity to gain it, I move on to the next thing. It's like I set goals for the purpose of reaching them and, once that is accomplished, I can move on to the next one. So here are some solid, written goals that I would (currently) like to accomplish in my life. *Disclaimer: These goals are herein not exhaustive nor set in stone. Changes are inevitable and will be implemented at the discretion of the creator.*

My "Bucket List"

Get a PhD
Secure employment, preferably abroad and even more preferably, in Europe, Asia, or South Africa.
Have at least two published papers upon graduation
Read every book by Jane Austen
Participate in a marathon
Learn Spanish
Learn Italian
Learn German
Travel extensively (more on this later)
Become a fanatsic cook
Conduct geneological research on my father's side of the family and on my husband's side of the family
Read the entire collection of J.R.R. Tolkein books
Practice yoga regularly
Write a book
Attend at least one major sporting event
Swim with a dolphin
Go on a safari in Africa
Drive across America from coast to coast
Go up in a hot-air balloon
Kiss the Blarney stone
Visit a concentration camp
Visit an active volcano
Go to Mardi Gras
Go whale watching
Attend a major film festival
Visit all seven continents (four left...)
More to come....

I am me.

2008-02-08T22:16:00.000-08:00

I am me.
I am short.
I am more thick than thin.
I long to have the body of a model, but have positively no will power to invest in such deprevation.
I am never satisfied. Ever. With anything.
I love dark chocolate. It is better with whole milk.
Wine makes me happy...in a multitude of ways. The thought of it, the romance of it, the taste of it, the sensations it brings. I love it.
I love oysters-raw with a saltine and some ketchup. I started eating them because of their desciption in Ernest Hemingway's A Moveable Feast.
I want to travel to just about every country in the world.
I long to be a princess. In some fairy tale, I live in a castle, eat lovely, gamey food, ride horses on the beach, and frollick daily through meadows.
I hate driving. Not so much the act as the inconsideration of the other patrons of the roadways.
My favorite female author is Jane Austen. She is incredible and I love the manner in which she portrays smart, intellectually stimulating, and witty women.
I love to cook but do not have the proper allowance of time for some of the culinary endeavors I wish to try.
I want to open a spa one day. Preferably on a beach in the Caribbean.
Captain Jack Sparrow is one of the best characters of all time.
I am not the best listener in the world, but I am working on it.
I can be a pretty amazing friend to pretty amazing friends.
I will forgive, but I will never forget a folly. Ever. Try me.
I want to learn foreign languages, but am not sure how to go about doing it.
Living abroad sounds more and more appealing to me every day.
It is one of life's greatest pleasures to have dinner parties and guests in one's home. I hope to have a home one day filled with plenty of extra guest rooms so everyone who wishes to visit is perfectly at home in my home.
Top Five Movies: Pride & Prejudice, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Under the Tuscan Sun, Bridget Jones (I & II), and Pirates of the Caribbean
I hate dirty bathtubs
My favorite scent as of late is lavender.
I yearn for a sense of simplicity, perhaps one day this will be achieved...although I have my doubts.
I cry at everything. Oprah, A Makeover Story, weddings, movies, the news, that sappy Folgers commercial at Christmas where "Johnny" comes home. The list is endless.
I miss people some times. Not necessarily people, really, but people invovled in a certain time in my life or at a certain event.
I wish people would come visit me more often. I know it is a hassle, but I would do it for you.
I love my dogs like humans. Samson and Delilah are the most incredible, lovable beings on this earth and I love them more every day.
I think cats are for unsocial people.
I have strived to accomplish as much as possible early so I can work a little less later. And also because I have this feeling/fear that I may not live long enough to fulfill my dreams in life.

We'll see where it goes...

2008-02-08T22:12:00.000-08:00

Sometimes you just need some place to capture your thoughts, feelings, whims, and ideas where those you know cannot see. That is going to be the purpose of this. I have other areas where I post items which I do not mind to be witnessed to those important to me, but sometimes, it is necessary to express oneself more clearly, more bluntly in fact, than otherwise done in the presence of loved ones. Enjoy.